It's Me

So he left me again. He always does. For almost five years this is what he has been doing to me. On and off. Sometimes with no reason at all. Most of the time it’s because of me. “Yeah, it’s not him, it’s me.” Always. I try to convince myself that I understand everything but I don’t.
He made me believed that he was my soul mate.
It hurts so much how could he do this to me. Everything was great and all I did was love him. He told me he still loves me. But how could he let me go? I never wanted to be with someone else but I was pushed by the situation.
I know it’s unfair for him to wait. 5 years and I’m still not able to move on. I can’t get over him. I’m taken, he’s single, but we’re still seeing and hurting each other. I chased him and I let him chase me, too. But we both ended up with a bandaid. And the last time we had a talk, it never ended well. I don’t want to break down. But I want him. I don’t even think he’s perfect anymore but I still want him.

My playlist for today

Smile - Uncle Cracker
Heart shaped box - Nirvana
Only you can love me this way - keith Urban
Swing life away - Rise Against
Love drunk - Boys Like Girls

Alone

I find myself facing Christmas alone... Again. No family, no cousins, no friends and no nothing. Just me, my dogs and my Christmas tree.

Survivor Anawangin

What to bring:
Tents, flashlights, sleeping bag, off lotion, gas burner, lamp, cooking stuff, uling, food, chips, swimsuit, camera, sunblock, ziplock plastic bags, The Bar.

Team building. It took 6 hours from Alabang to Zambales. Grabe naman kasi traffic sa SLEX. Pero in fairness na-enjoy ko yung travel. Yung travel lang. First time ko makadaan sa napakagandang newly opened road, SCTEX. Feeling ko nasa ibang bansa ako. Dadaan ka sa gitna ng ginibang bundok. Walang ibang sasakyan. Walang ilaw sa gabi. Speed limit is between 80 - 100 kph. Pag bumagal ka, huli ka ng patrol. Parang nasa Farmville ka lang. Butas nga lang bulsa mo sa dami ng tollgates. 380php ba naman nagastos sa toll one-way pa lang from SCTEX hanggang Subic. Sa sobrang mahal napatambay kami sa Subic. Kamalas-malasan, mahigpit pala sa Subic, nahuli kami sa No Right Turn. Ang kulet naman kasi ng driver ayaw sumunod sa traffic sign.
Then 30-minute boatride pa going to Anawangin Cove. Buti pwede pa sumakay ng bangka kahit 7:00pm na ng gabi. Walang alon kasi walang hangin. Low tide.
When we arrived there grabe hassle walang signal! Walang silbi ang cellphone. Taong bundok talaga kami. Walang tao sa island, kami lang. Walang ilaw. Mag-iigib ka pa ng tubig sa poso. Madilim. Puro pine trees, mountain, lagoon, and the beach. We brought seven tents. Walang choice. Matutulog ka sa buhangin. Masakit sa katawan. Naku naman. And the sand! My gudnes! The sand! I was expecting a white sand. Pero hindi sya white sand. White lang sya sa picture. Pero it’s gray with white ashes dahil yata sa Mt. Pinatubo. Full of crystal sands kaya maputi sya sa picture. I could’ve appreciated the island kung kasama ko siguro mga friends ko sa GE, baka masaya pa, pero kasama ko yung mga ibang teammates ko na panget at walang ginawa kundi matulog sa tent at maginarte.
I won’t be coming back to this place ever again. Tama na yung napuntahan ko sya once in my life and took a picture of it. But I will not be going back to this place. Hindi ako magsusurvive.